Tuesday, November 15, 2005

a body like arnold with a denzel face

NYT columnist Maureen Dowd recently came out with a study on gender relations entitled Are Men Necessary? I'm here to save everyone out there the $17.95 on amazon.com and answer that question for you right here, right now.

Yes. Men are necessary. And here's why:

(1) It's kind of nice to have someone out there to get rid of bugs and mice for us.* The smell of Raid makes me want to puke, and I'm not getting anywhere near an insect. And mice...well, let's just say that the only four-legged friends I want in my house have floppy ears and a wet nose.

(2) Without men, we wouldn't have football to watch on Saturday and Sunday. 'Cause I'm not watching chicks beat the crap out of each other - their necks aren't thick enough for it to be enjoyable.

(3) We need someone to blame for the problems in life that we can't blame on our mothers.

(4) All of the good designers are men - Manolo Blahnik, Jimmy Choo, Christian Louboutin, Stuart Weitzman, Giorgio Armani, Ralph Lauren, Karl Lagerfeld, Craig T. Nelson**...

(5) If we didn't have any glass ceilings to continue to break, would we continue to progress as thinkers and innovators? Since so many women have to overachieve and think so far outside of the box that they're in the next time zone, would society really be better off if the outstanding becomes the norm? And along those lines, wouldn't the competitive women who are doing the thinking and innovating become the new men - that is to say, would we just end up with a society that idolizes yet resents the Alpha Female?

If my thinking is right on this one (and I'd like to think that it is), I think society without men wouldn't be that much different than it is now...why make something that's already dysfunctional even more dysfunctional? And besides - the men who design my cute shoes are very necessary.

(Just don't let 'em know that we're actually keeping them around because we like them. It'll just end up going to their heads, and no one wants that.)

* - I have a friend who neglected to inform his female roommate of their mice problem for about two weeks because "she's scared of mice". He went out and bought mice traps and she found them, but didn't put two and two together. And then she finds the mice and, upon complaining to my friend, learns that he had been keeping the fact that he'd seen mice secret for a while.*** Then imagine her surprise as she recounts the story to me, and I tell her that I knew about her rodent infestation a week and a half before she did.

** - Co-counsel has just informed me that Coach shoes/handbags are not designed by Craig T. Nelson, star of TV's "Coach". In that case, he can go - because "Coach" sucked wicked bad.

*** - Contracts hypothetical: is my friend guilty of misrepresenting the rodent infestation to his roommate, or was he acting in good faith upon their implied contract to perform housekeeping duties?

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