Monday, November 21, 2005

...and starting at quarterback, tinky winky!

According to, the Reverend Jerry Falwell has fired the football coach and two athletic department administrators at his Liberty University in Lynchburg, Virginia. Falwell reportedly wants to take Liberty's program from Division I-AA to Division I-A, and intends to see the program reach the Top 20 before he dies.

Let's see...where to begin...

I'm convinced that Falwell is kept alive by hunting down local sinners and living off of their fun-loving souls, and that he will probably live forever. This means that the entire population of Lynchburg College (where the non-Falwellites go to school) will be wiped out within the next 20 years. This also means that Falwell will live so long that he'll see armageddon before he sees his school reach the Top 20.

Meanwhile, I'm sure the good Reverend will have an easy time stealing recruits from UVa and VaTech (even Division I-AA Richmond, William & Mary, and James Madison) with promises of having to wear full business suits to class every day and just generally not being allowed to engage in the debauchery that you see at other D I-A schools. On the plus side, the starting quarterback won't rape chicks (cough)Marcus Vick(cough) and get suspended for a year. On the minus side, no football player worth his weight in Natty Light will play there.

Besides, God won't let Liberty succeed - he's betting on Liberty's opponents to cover the spread.


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