Tuesday, November 29, 2005

things to do in madison when you're dead (read: bored)

So I decided that tonight would be a good night to putz around instead of (1) finishing Contracts and Crim reading, (2) outlining, (3) finding jobs, and (4) writing cover letters. Now, the fruits of my putzation*, courtesy of the instruction guide to my new microwave...


1. Do NOT attempt to dry clothes, newspapers, or other materials in the oven. They may catch on fire.
2. Do NOT use recycled paper products. Recycled paper towels, napkins, and waxed paper can contain metal flecks which may cause arcing or ignite.**
3. Never use your microwave oven for home canning.
4. Do NOT boil eggs in their shell. Pressure may build up and the eggs may explode.***
5. Do NOT attempt to deep fat fry in your oven.****


*yes, this is a word. I totally just made it up, so it's real.
**this is why I refuse to recycle. See - it's bad for the microwave population. And it'd be really nice if the actual recycled paper products had this warning, since, you know, those are what's going to catch fire, and I would've never learned this had I been doing homework....
***really? Sweet. If I actually had eggs, I would so try this right now.
****I want to see the conversation that led up to this taking place...I imagine it went something like this:

Jim Bob: Hey, Clitus! KFC is out of fried chicken!
Clitus: Jim Bob, what in tarnation are you talking about? How can Kentucky Fried Chicken be out of fried chicken?
Jim Bob: I dunno. Why don't we try making some fried chicken here.
Clitus: All's I got are these squirrels that Bubba ran over with his truck last week.
Jim Bob: 'At'll do. D'you have a frying machine?
Clitus: No. But Momma just sent me and Lurlene a new microwave oven. It's supposed to get stuff real hot real fast so's we can cook our pork'n'beans inside during the winter.
Jim Bob: So it should get some cookin' oil hot real fast, right?
Clitus: I gots this metal pot - we can put some oil in there...like so...(pours oil into pot). Now, can you hand me them there squirrels?
Jim Bob: They ain't been skinned yet, Clitus.
Clitus: The oil'll fry the hair off. If it don't, it'll be like the crunchy stuff on the KFC chicken. Now, we drop the squirrels in the pot...an' now we put 'em in the microwave. How long you think it'll take for them to fry?
Jim Bob: How's about twenty minutes?
Clitus: (sets timer and pushes start) Allllllright.
Jim Bob: Should we have seasoned the squirrels?
Clitus: What in tarnation...seasoned the squrrels? Have you been watchin' that show with the homo-sexuals tryin' to convert good straight men again? Seasoned the squirrels...
Jim Bob: I have not...KFC uses a special blend of spices on it's chicken.
Clitus: Well, we can season the squirrels after they're fried. Hey, why's they gettin' so big - them squirrels look like balloons in the microwave...I think they's gonna blow up!

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