Monday, December 12, 2005

soylent green is contracts!

It's really bad when you're sitting there studying for your Contracts exam and you realize every past exam cover extensively a subject matter that was only discussed in class for about five minutes. So that you have to sit there reading the Uniform Commercial Code for about an hour basically learning about warranties for the first time...and then you realize that the handout that seems to be helping everyone deal with these warranty questions was distributed on one of the three days you overslept all semester.

So then it just got to the point where any studying that was being done wasn't helpful; it was only serving to stress us out more. Mostly because we should be reviewing that last night before the exam, not learning stuff for the first time.

(What smells like burning in here?)

One of the practice questions was about beans...well, a bean farmer, but it was about beans, and my friend and I really enjoy this dorky card game in which you plant bean farms and harvest them. Beans are sweet, so we decided that thinking about beans would be more productive than thinking about Contracts. I had lost my mind so much at this point that I was changing all instances of the word "Queen" in ABBA's "Dancing Queen" to "Bean"...there's nothing productive going on in this brain right now.

At any rate, we decided around 9:30 that a sweet name for a band would be "Duress". And that band would be an '80s glam metal throwback band. And that band would be awesome.

Don't you wish that you could turn your brain off, so that, for example, instead of being up blogging, I'd be in bed trying to get 8 hours of sleep? Like a switch, or, much cooler, a chain linked behind your ear that you could pull, like chains on Tiffany lamps. And you pull the chain and the light goes off, signaling that no one's home. It'd be much easier than having to try to think about stuff you don't want to think about, and it would save other people the trouble of wasting their efforts by asking you questions that you are mentally incapable of answering at that time.

...sung to the tune of Frankie Valli's "Can't Take my Eyes off of You"

I love you, Contracts
And if it's quite all right
I need you, Contracts
To warm the lonely night
I love you, Contracts
Trust in me when I say...
Oh pretty Contracts
Don't bring me down, I pray
Oh pretty Contracts
Now that I found you, stay...

And is it bad that, over dinner tonight, my friend and I were discussing how we had been wondering if death or dismemberment wasn't such a bad alternative to taking the Contracts exam tomorrow. For example, the fire alarm went off in her building today, and she sat there wondering what being burned would feel like, and if it would be worse than the exam...then decided that being burned would hurt, and she should probably get her coat. Meanwhile, I was trying to asphyxiate myself with my scarf, just because it seemed like fun.

This is not healthy behavior.

Forget it. I'm going to read over my outline a few more times so that I can try to avoid getting killed in the closed-book section of the exam. I keep trying to tell myself that I know enough to get a C, and a C is average, and that's okay. But I'm a perfectionist, and I have this crazy desire to try and do my best.

Life wouldn't be this hard if I were a pirate.


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