Negligent Use of a Dangerous Mind: nordic combined individual grocery shopping

Saturday, February 11, 2006

nordic combined individual grocery shopping

This afternoon, the entire city of Madison decided to run to Whole Foods today to pick up some organic crap that's just as bad for you as the real stuff. Me, I only needed a small can of crushed tomatoes to make chili, because apparently Copps only sells crushed tomatoes in "family size" cans.

I'm sitting in the parking lot waiting in line for a spot. And I see this woman loading her last grocery bag into her car, so I flip on the turn signal and wait. And wait. This woman spots me while taking her cart back to the cart depository, and just keeps staring at me for no apparent reason. So I stare back. And she does what I (or any other normal, mean-spirited person) would do...slowwwwwwwwws dowwwwwwwwwn.

She gets back to her car. Stops at the driver's side door. And stares at me. And stares at me. At this point, the finger that I've been tapping on the steering wheel starts going at jackhammer speed (yes, I'm that person who taps her foot when she has to wait more than five seconds for someone to get out of her way). And she keeps staring. Finally, she gets in the car and drives off.

As I'm pulling into the parking spot, the person who's been sitting behind me waiting decides to forget that he's not in England, go into the lane next to me, and speed around me. So I have to stop parking because (1) they're currently in the spot where I was drifting in order to achieve the proper parking angle, and (2) they have to stop as soon as they get around me because someone about six cars up is also pulling out of their spot.

I get in Whole Foods, I get my tomatoes, I grab a salad, and I'm heading for the checkout. Except that the store has somehow turned into bumper cars, but with carts and screaming children instead of those fun little cars. Everywhere I turn, some other idiot has stopped to talk to a person that they haven't seen since, oh, yesterday...little groups of people are stopped in the middle of the only clear path to the exit to discuss which brand of pita bread would be the best, and, did you remember to get the cheese I pointed out ten minutes ago? Oh, and if we stand here and block the flow of traffic for a few minutes, then strategically move in the same direction as the person holding two things trying desperately to get around us...there, and if we put the cart like so...perfect. Now we can stand here and talk for twenty minutes about what we did last night and not be disturbed by the people who are actually trying to shop.

Even more hopeless? Trying to get to the express lane, because the line was about twenty people long, all dangerously close to exceeding the 10-item limit. (Side note: anyone who goes into the express lane with more than two items over the limit is a douchebag, and should probably be smacked.)