Tuesday, August 15, 2006

OCI = overrated

Dear "Potential" Employer:

My name is Dangerous Mind, and I'm a second-year law student at the University of Wisconsin. At this point, I'm going to make up some lie about wanting to come to your city, even though the last thing I really want to do is move to Indianapolis, or whatever other godforsaken city your firm is in. Oh, and I'm going to state something that proves that I've at least spent 5 minutes perusing your website, even though I really don't care what practice area I end up in - bitch just wanna get paid.

Why am I qualified for a job at your firm? Well, the short answer is that I am awesome. The long answer is that I am really freakin' awesome at life. I graduated from a snooty east-coast private college that provided the setting for one episode of "Dawson's Creek". It's also the school that educates all the kids that weren't quite smart enough for UVA or Duke, so...hey, being in the top third of that crop of New England private school kids means something. Also, I was a legal assistant before I came to law school, which basically means that I got paid $16/hour to perform all of the lawyer tasks that my boss got paid $90K/year to perform while she was "too busy" with "other things" to actually work. Don't ask me about law school, though, because practical experience didn't translate too well into book learnin' in my case. Yeah, I'm at the bottom of my class, partly because half of the students here are too smart for this school, partly because I had bird flu last semester, and partly because I'm really just more interested in memorizing each and every instance in which Mulder gazes longingly at Scully. But see, that's why I'll be awesome at lawyering. I can relate to the general populace (read: idiots) because I am one of them: I watch too much TV, I like sports, and celebrity gossip is the blood that fills my veins.

Thanks for taking thirty seconds out of your life to scan my resume for the words "Journal", "Moot Court", "Law Review", "Student Bar Association", and "GPA". Since those words don't make an appearance anywhere, I'll save you the trouble of letting me think that my chances of getting an interview are greater than the Bills' chances of ever winning the Super Bowl. For your convenience, I've even started the shredding process for you.

Be careful of paper cuts,

Me

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10 Comments:

At 11:41 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm sure you would get tons of interviews of your personality could somehow shine through in your resume.

 
At 1:05 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Maybe, but not the blog personality. Too whiny.

 
At 12:51 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Maybe changing the uber-defeatist attitude and hopping on the phone to network might work? That's what people with poor paper credentials should do. OCI ain't happening, sorry, so take some action.

 
At 2:41 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Or bucking down and doing something other than playing solitaire during class.

 
At 6:22 PM, Blogger Kirsten said...

Clearly y'all don't know our blog owner very well. Well I will not blow her anonymity, but I warn you not to criticize a woman of her power...

 
At 7:12 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Damn, quit harshin on my girl anonymous...shit. DA

 
At 12:37 AM, Blogger Dangerous Mind said...

The cover letter was supposed to be funny, and in no way reflect my piss-poor attitude. I was attempting to make light of the fact that the entire letter-writing process is a ridiculous exercise because they only care about what's on that resume when it comes to selecting interviewees. I guess sarcasm isn't taught in schools outside of the east coast....

To be honest, my paper credentials are only crap as far as law school goes. I still have more legal experience than most of the class, and that'll pay off one day.

And irony of all ironies - the class I did the best in all year was the class where I rarely took notes, stopped reading halfway through the semester, and either played solitaire or watched baseball during class hours. Although, I know that exam was the best organized of any exam I wrote, so I think *that* has more to do with it than sitting there acting like a giant bag o'douche who thinks the rest of the class likes the sound of his/her voice as much as he/she does.

Either that or my Michael Barrett shirt is straight-up lucky.

 
At 8:11 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't know about the other anonymous around here, but her anonymity was blown a long time ago. Anyone with a blog doesn't remain anonymous very long. Anyone who thinks they have is in denial.

 
At 10:14 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just so you don't lose your faith in sarcasm, I would like to clarify that my post (the first one) was fully intended to be sarcastic.

 
At 12:50 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

All of my posts are sarcastic.

 

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