Tuesday, August 22, 2006

dig it: a non-law related post!

I cooked lunch for some friends this afternoon. I mean, it was great - chocolate cake, cheesy potatoes, and grilled chicken. (I'm listing the menu in order of importance, of course.)

In the midst of my gourmet extravaganza, I forgot that my oven is only about fifteen inches wide. So I go to get the casserole dish out of the oven and bang my arm against the side of the oven (that's been sitting at 400 degrees for about an hour and a half).

(long string of expletives deleted)

I now have a blister on my arm that's about an inch long and half an inch wide...the scar itself is even bigger. This is going to make for good stories for many years to come. I'd post the picture, but it's not exactly "good" - you can see that there's some serious discoloration (honestly, it looks like a giant snot rocket on my arm), but that's about it.

In the meantime, I can't wait until I can one day own my own home, so that I can have a kitchen that's large enough for someone to cook in...with an oven that actually fits a normal-sized pan. That would make me happy. (Side note: I think "kitchen large enough to cook in" would be above "maid" on the wish-list, but below "dishwasher" and "TiVO".)

Of course, if I didn't enjoy cooking, I wouldn't hurt myself doing it - because it's always the things we love the most that also hurt us the most, isn't it? The sad thing, I guess, is that I only choose to leave myself vulnerable to my stove/oven rather than members of the opposite sex. But that's another discussion for another time.

Or maybe the saddest part of the whole ordeal is that I put off going to get the requisite Neosporin and Band-Aids large enough to cover the blister until tomorrow, so that I could combine that trip to Target with my trip to Target to purchase the second season of "House" on DVD. I'll keep telling myself that it's to conserve gas and save the environment, but we all know the truth: I'm just that lazy.

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Tuesday, August 15, 2006

OCI = overrated

Dear "Potential" Employer:

My name is Dangerous Mind, and I'm a second-year law student at the University of Wisconsin. At this point, I'm going to make up some lie about wanting to come to your city, even though the last thing I really want to do is move to Indianapolis, or whatever other godforsaken city your firm is in. Oh, and I'm going to state something that proves that I've at least spent 5 minutes perusing your website, even though I really don't care what practice area I end up in - bitch just wanna get paid.

Why am I qualified for a job at your firm? Well, the short answer is that I am awesome. The long answer is that I am really freakin' awesome at life. I graduated from a snooty east-coast private college that provided the setting for one episode of "Dawson's Creek". It's also the school that educates all the kids that weren't quite smart enough for UVA or Duke, so...hey, being in the top third of that crop of New England private school kids means something. Also, I was a legal assistant before I came to law school, which basically means that I got paid $16/hour to perform all of the lawyer tasks that my boss got paid $90K/year to perform while she was "too busy" with "other things" to actually work. Don't ask me about law school, though, because practical experience didn't translate too well into book learnin' in my case. Yeah, I'm at the bottom of my class, partly because half of the students here are too smart for this school, partly because I had bird flu last semester, and partly because I'm really just more interested in memorizing each and every instance in which Mulder gazes longingly at Scully. But see, that's why I'll be awesome at lawyering. I can relate to the general populace (read: idiots) because I am one of them: I watch too much TV, I like sports, and celebrity gossip is the blood that fills my veins.

Thanks for taking thirty seconds out of your life to scan my resume for the words "Journal", "Moot Court", "Law Review", "Student Bar Association", and "GPA". Since those words don't make an appearance anywhere, I'll save you the trouble of letting me think that my chances of getting an interview are greater than the Bills' chances of ever winning the Super Bowl. For your convenience, I've even started the shredding process for you.

Be careful of paper cuts,



Wednesday, August 09, 2006

best week ever

As of tomorrow, I'm done with "work" for the summer. (Interesting aside: Based on the amount of hours I worked and the amount of tuition I paid, I actually paid the school $30/hour to let me sit in a cushy office on the Square and read E! Online e-mail my east coast friends get some "law-related experience" that won't help me in the job search process one bit, according to the soulless hacks in Career Services. What was I talking about again? Oh yeah.)

So there was some funny stuff that I saw today, and I'm really struggling to decide what was funniest.

--An advertisement for an American Nazi Party/KKK rally on the Square at the end of August in which the plural form of "Nazi" was spelled "Nazies". Typos are always funny, but typos + Nazis just seems kind of hilarious to me.
--A 50-year-old(ish) guy who had hot pink hair.
--A crossdresser walking down University Ave. At least, I think it was a crossdresser. Either that, or it was a flat-chested woman who looked exactly like my dad, but taller. I'm going with crossdresser, though, just because it makes me chuckle.
--A bus company named "The Spirit of Newark, New Jersey". First of all, does Newark have a spirit worth bragging about, except "cheap(er) flights into New York City"? Second, it's New Jersey. Third, it's New Jersey. On the other hand, I guess it's worth bragging about the fact that it's not Newark, Delaware.
--Some sports writer on ESPN saying that the Dolphins will make the playoffs this year, but not the Patriots. Makes me wonder if he's been smoking whatever Michael Irvin's been dealing.

And speaking of the Patriots, I'm stoked about the fact that they're actually going to be on TV Friday night. I don't care if it doesn't count. College/pro football season is upon us, and that means I once again have something to do on Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday nights.

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Sunday, August 06, 2006

another fun reader poll!

Today, I bring you the question that's on everyone's mind:

Why did I not make Law Review?

(a) The fact that I turned in my cover sheet a week and a half late automatically disqualified me from consideration.

(b) My note wasn't left-wing enough.

(c) I'm not ethnic enough to fulfill the affirmative action diversity goals of the organization.

(d) The persons on the selection committee are not Skid Row fans.

(e) See previous post in which I indirectly compared myself to the token swimmer from the Ivory Coast (or other small African nation) that finishes ten minutes behind the rest of the pack.

(f) Other _________________________ (please specify)

The silver lining to all this, though, is the fact that I'll be able to keep up with the new television season without any distractions. I mean, the good people at Target don't look for potential cashiers with law journal experience, so why would I need the line on the résumé provided by any journal when you can be further building your encyclopedic knowledge of "Gilmore Girls"???

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Wednesday, August 02, 2006

and what exactly does my tuition pay for?

I made the mistake of checking the tuition rates for the coming school year.

After some quick number crunching, I realized that the $2000 increase in out-of-state tuition will cause me to run out of money sometime around February - and that's if I stop eating and manage to kick the 4-cup-a-week StarCrack habit.

Free advice for all future law students - either go where to a school that offers you merit scholarships, a school where you qualify for in-state tuition, or an out-of-state private institution (since private schools tend to offer more money to compensate for the $45K/year tuition).

...in other news, my boss just told me that I'm a "wonderful writer". I have since asked her to go back and tell my horrific second-semester LR&W professor as much, and get her to change my grade so that I don't look like I got hit with a 'tard stick over Christmas break.


Tuesday, August 01, 2006

in the heat of the night

It's been about 95 degrees here for the past week or so. My apartment has no air conditioning. Even with five fans running at all times, the temperature inside has been about 150 degrees...and is the most humid place north of South Carolina.

Boss: What's to stop some sheriff on a crusade to make prisons the most miserable place possible?

Me: Not much.

Boss: There was a big deal a few years ago about them putting air conditioning in the super max prison. They said if they did that, prisoners might not suffer enough.

Me: If they did that, I'd move in.

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