Wednesday, November 30, 2005

why i love the colbert report

He spent the first few minutes of the show discussing Rick Springfield's return to "General Hospital" and how he was caught up with the love between Dr. Noah Drake and Bobbie Spencer in the early '80s (before Rick Springfield became a heartthrob and left GH to sing "Jessie's Girl").

"Springfield's back, which means I'm back to General Hospital, which means the rest of America should be back too."

Therefore, I shouldn't be ashamed to watch General Hospital religiously. Because it's on The Report.

you choo-choo-choose me?

Apparently, Caesar's master decided that I needed to be tagged...oh,
I feel so loved. The instructions I was given are:

1. Go into your archives.

2. Find your 23rd post.

3. Find the fifth sentence.

4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.

5. Tag five other people to do the same thing.

Well, I can't say that I have five other blogs that I regularly read that haven't already been I can't follow step #5 (this is why we need more bloggers at UW)...but I'll bite nonetheless.

Anyway, I'm in law school now, and I was just wondering if I could have a job working for you in the Governor's office this summer

Hmm. That's not that funny. That's from my fake cover letter to the Governor-Elect of Virginia. Sentence #7 of that letter was much funnier:

I promise that, this time around, I won't spend my time playing air guitar to that San Francisco Bay Area classic rock station.

Next time, can we play Twister?

you'll never get a man if you look like you just wandered out of auschwitz

I have this large collection of really cute, really tall (3" and higher) heels that I wear with my skirts. But since I've ruined one too many pairs of heels on sidewalks, I generally wear flip-flops and carry my heels with me and put them on once I get to school.

This morning, since it was so cold, I put on a pair of loafers instead of flip-flops...because I don't want my toes to freeze off. And as I was walking to the bus stop, I realized just how ugly those shoes are. My loafers make me feel like I look like someone who doesn't know how to dress well, and that makes me sad.

And even though the cold weather made the leather of my tall pointy heels contract and pinch my feet really bad, I'd rather wear these shoes than my ugly loafers that are a bit too big and way too frumpy. I don't do frumpy.

My shoes are my life.

Edited to add: Does anyone know where I can find a good shoe repair guy in Madison? I had an awesome shoe guy in Richmond who worked wonders on my cute heels, but I'm (obviously) not close enough to run over to the Village and get my shoe guy to fix my shoes. Essentially, I've worn down the sole on the stiletto and I'm basically walking on metal spikes. Need new soles for my shoes. So if anyone knows someplace where I can get this done for a reasonable price, that'd be great.

your slogan here

The state of New Jersey is asking residents for suggestions for a new slogan to replace the oh-so-catchy "The Garden State". (Evidently, having Zach Braff write and star in a movie with your slogan as the title does nothing for tourism.) Even though I have never lived in New Jersey, I've ridden down the Jersey Turnpike, and therefore I think that entitles me to suggest a few new slogans for the acting governor's consideration...

- I'd rather be in Delaware
- Once you Turnpike, you never go back
- What exit?
- The Giants and Jets really do play here
- Cheap parking for Manhattan
- At least we're not Staten Island
- Don't mess with me - I know a guy...
- Come for the Aqua Net, stay for the airborne disease
- All the really good Ben Affleck movies took place here...except for Jersey Girl...but that wasn't because it had "Jersey" in the title. Really.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

"where are they now?" it ain't...

my sister: whatever happened to marilyn manson?

her friend: he's in jail.

my sister: do you mean charles manson?

her friend: oh....yeah.

things to do in madison when you're dead (read: bored)

So I decided that tonight would be a good night to putz around instead of (1) finishing Contracts and Crim reading, (2) outlining, (3) finding jobs, and (4) writing cover letters. Now, the fruits of my putzation*, courtesy of the instruction guide to my new microwave...

1. Do NOT attempt to dry clothes, newspapers, or other materials in the oven. They may catch on fire.
2. Do NOT use recycled paper products. Recycled paper towels, napkins, and waxed paper can contain metal flecks which may cause arcing or ignite.**
3. Never use your microwave oven for home canning.
4. Do NOT boil eggs in their shell. Pressure may build up and the eggs may explode.***
5. Do NOT attempt to deep fat fry in your oven.****

*yes, this is a word. I totally just made it up, so it's real.
**this is why I refuse to recycle. See - it's bad for the microwave population. And it'd be really nice if the actual recycled paper products had this warning, since, you know, those are what's going to catch fire, and I would've never learned this had I been doing homework....
***really? Sweet. If I actually had eggs, I would so try this right now.
****I want to see the conversation that led up to this taking place...I imagine it went something like this:

Jim Bob: Hey, Clitus! KFC is out of fried chicken!
Clitus: Jim Bob, what in tarnation are you talking about? How can Kentucky Fried Chicken be out of fried chicken?
Jim Bob: I dunno. Why don't we try making some fried chicken here.
Clitus: All's I got are these squirrels that Bubba ran over with his truck last week.
Jim Bob: 'At'll do. D'you have a frying machine?
Clitus: No. But Momma just sent me and Lurlene a new microwave oven. It's supposed to get stuff real hot real fast so's we can cook our pork'n'beans inside during the winter.
Jim Bob: So it should get some cookin' oil hot real fast, right?
Clitus: I gots this metal pot - we can put some oil in so...(pours oil into pot). Now, can you hand me them there squirrels?
Jim Bob: They ain't been skinned yet, Clitus.
Clitus: The oil'll fry the hair off. If it don't, it'll be like the crunchy stuff on the KFC chicken. Now, we drop the squirrels in the' now we put 'em in the microwave. How long you think it'll take for them to fry?
Jim Bob: How's about twenty minutes?
Clitus: (sets timer and pushes start) Allllllright.
Jim Bob: Should we have seasoned the squirrels?
Clitus: What in tarnation...seasoned the squrrels? Have you been watchin' that show with the homo-sexuals tryin' to convert good straight men again? Seasoned the squirrels...
Jim Bob: I have not...KFC uses a special blend of spices on it's chicken.
Clitus: Well, we can season the squirrels after they're fried. Hey, why's they gettin' so big - them squirrels look like balloons in the microwave...I think they's gonna blow up!

will work for starbucks

Someone should really tell these Lexis and Westlaw representatives that I really don't need two shiny new water bottles just for coming to their career services class.

Now, Starbucks gift cards - that's what I need. That's all I want. Coffee. Lots and lots of coffee.

But during the course of the class, I realized something very important: all of the firms that I found during my career search are part of the 100 largest law firms in the country. This means that I won't get a job with them (1) because I don't go to a top-15 law school, and (2) I most likely won't be in the top 25% of my class.

Now, Starbucks - I could work at Starbucks all summer and have all the coffee I want. And - bonus - I'd probably be able to network with the stressed-out overly-caffeinated lawyers who hit Starbucks before work.

can you be famous for being a squatter?

Evidently, you can. What's worse is that I think that the old "fifteen minutes of fame" adage is now "fifteen years of fame".

I was late (read: skipping) Contracts this morning and watching whatever was on TV when I turned it on...some courtroom show kind of like Judge Judy, but with an even crazier judge. (He was carrying a stick that said "JUSTICE", so you know he's a good one.) While the judge went into chambers to deliberate (read: take a leak), there was someone in the gallery taking questions from the audience, not unlike Maury Povich. And who, I hear you ask, was the correspondent in the audience?

None other than the world's most infamous squatter, Kato Kaelin.

That's right. Kato. Freakin. Kaelin. Apparently, they're still giving him jobs on television - and in a courtroom too, because he knows about as much about the law as the judge who carries a "JUSTICE" stick.

If that wasn't funny enough, the judge came back and decided that, since boht parties had a legal claim to the piece of land in question, they should fight over it. As in a real fight. As in, the judge had them set up a tug-of-war pit, coated the rope with baby oil and chocolate syrup, and made the parties play tug-of-war for the corner of the sidewalk they were fighting over.

Judge Harry T. Stone, move over - I think I found my new hero.

Monday, November 28, 2005

i'm the idiot on instant messenger during class

my sister: Teen with peanut allergy dies after it wrong that i found that hilarious?

dangerous mind: no, because i just started laughing

my sister: good

dangerous mind: now, is it kiss like gene simmons and ace frehley, or like facesucking?

my sister: i believe the latter. but the former would be awesome and hilarious

would he be the turd sandwich or the giant douche?

If Senator George Allen (R-VA) decides to run for President in 2008 and actually wins, I'm moving to Canada.

(It's bad enough that I consider Ben Affleck to be the lesser of two evils, if he and Jennifer Garner decide to buy that house outside of C'ville and the DNC convinces him to run for Allen's Senate seat.)

can't sleep - contracts will eat me*

The worst thing about having debilitating tension headaches that sit at the bottom of my skull is that they prevent me from being able to hold my head up...or, in this case, lay my head down on my pillow comfortably. I've had one of these headaches every day since last Wednesday, and one of these headaches decided to hit me last night (read: this morning) around 2:30.** Needless to say, sleep wasn't happening.

So I decided to pull out my Contracts book and read that in the hopes that it would put me to sleep. Not so much.

At that point, I got wrapped up in the Saddam Hussein trial on CNN World - I figured it would be a good thing for me to watch since I'm interested in international law and all maybe I should know how these courts work. What was happening was that the judge was waiting for the bailiff to scream out the defendants' names to call them into the courtroom, then do the same thing for the lawyers. (Interestingly, not all of the lawyers were there, so the judge had to appoint new counsel on the spot - if I were one of the lawyers, the only thing that could keep me away would be some sort of execution...because that bailiff dude has a scary voice.)

So they get Saddam up there to sign a document allowing for a former US Attorney General to be added to his defense team (yeah, wrap your head around that one), and he uses that moment to get up and tell the judge how to run his courtroom. Saddam describes the treatment that he was given between the prison and the courtroom, and how he wasn't allowed to carry a pen so that he can sign the document the court is asking him to sign...and then berates the entire system of people coming into his country and telling his people how to run their trials, etc. At this point, the coverage cuts away to the Iraqi scales of justice, as if it were those pretty bars across the screen when something's going on that the network doesn't want us to see. So I start wondering what exactly was going on in that courtroom - was Saddam complaining further about how the ideals of his people are not being upheld by the infidels (I'm not sure if the term 'infidels' was actually used - but if it wasn't, it should have been).

So around 4:00 this morning, I'm sitting in bed, transfixed by these happenings in Baghdad. What right does America have to come into Saddam's country and hold him prisoner anyway (since this isn't exactly an international coalition of forces keeping him in jail)? Why shouldn't an Iraqi judge be able to order foreign police forces who are holding an Iraqi defendant captive to not transport said defendant around in handcuffs (since they're not supposed to be doing that anyway)? Why should we go into his country and hold him to a western standard of justice whose standards are unheard of in Islamic society? And am I that sleep-deprived and doped up on Excedrin that I find myself actually agreeing with Saddam Hussein???

Four hours later, the headache is back, and I still agree with him - we have no business being in Iraq, holding him prisoner in his own backyard. Yes, he was a bad man who did unspeakable things. Yes, he deserves to be held accountable for his actions. Were/are our methods of bringing justice to the people of Iraq exactly honorable? Not so much.

This means (1) that I probably shouldn't address this topic anymore, because free speech in this country can only go so far before I get into trouble, (2) I need to figure out how to de-stress before I go to bed so that I don't end up in this predicament every day between now and exams, and (3) law school really has eaten my soul.

*quoted from Dan (not to be confused with Richmond Dan and Other Dan)
**the last time my headaches were this bad, I had a tension headache every day for seven weeks straight from Christmas 2003 through mid-February 2004. I'm really going to enjoy taking exams in two weeks with these headaches.

Sunday, November 27, 2005

obsess much?

I love watching Fox's NFL coverage on Sundays - I learn all sorts of stuff that makes me mad. This week, it's Tampa Bay coach Jon Gruden, who was on the Oakland Raiders' coaching staff in the 2001 season.

Apparently, Gruden is still upset about the infamous 'tuck rule' call during the AFC playoffs that year. As in, he apologizes to players who were on that Raiders team for that call, and he blames that game for his having to uproot his entire life and move to Florida from Oakland.

I was watching that game. I've had many discussions (read: fights) about that call. IT WAS AN INCOMPLETE PASS, okay? Tom Brady's arm was in motion. At the point where the ball was knocked loose, you didn't know whether he was going to ground the football or not. The arm was going forward - as far as what you knew on the field, he was passing the ball. The officials confirmed this based on a reasonable view of the evidence, and decided that the evidence showed beyond a reasonable doubt that it was an incomplete pass.

People need to stop being haters just because Tom Brady is better than every other quarterback in the NFL (yes, I'm perfectly aware that I'm making that statement in Packer Country). If it were John Elway or Brett Favre or Peyton Horseface Manning in that situation, people wouldn't be talking about it and showing replay after replay of that call to this day.

Saturday, November 26, 2005

borat does not understand - there is no divorce in kazakhstan

If Nick and Jessica can't make it, then what hope is there for the rest of us?

I have to wonder if those two kids would've made it if Jessica weren't more successful than her husband - because we all know that men can't handle women whose careers are more lucrative than their own.

hail to the chimp

From the brilliant minds behind the If They Mated sketch on "Late Night with Conan O'Brien" - I think this explains a lot...and since I've got two thousand words worth of pictures here, I'm just going to shut up and watch the Notre Dame football game.

Paris Hilton + Her Pet Monkey =

The Missing Link

i won't pay rent

I went to see the movie version of Rent a few hours ago... now, I saw the stage show down in Norfolk when I was 17, and my friend Patrick definitely shed more tears than I did.

Six years later, Rent broke my previous record for the earliest point in a movie at which I started crying. (Elizabethtown, in Milwaukee, a week after my birthday when I was good and homesick and watching a movie about families in the south and going home again...sodding Cameron Crowe...)

(Opposing counsel has just objected because that tangent was completely irrelevant. I'll go back to making my point.)

I made it about fifteen seconds into Rent when I started bawling like a baby. Something about those opening notes of "Seasons of Love" (which was at the beginning of the movie, instead of immediately after Intermission) made me lose it. Fortunately for me, I had plenty of extra napkins on hand, because otherwise I would have left the theater with dried tear-streaks down my face.

The point of me telling you this? Well, (1) to say that I think that the movie is definitely worth watching, and (2) to point and laugh at my own inability to maintain my composure during a movie. This is why I hate going to movies that I know will make me cry with other people. It's so much nicer to not have to explain my sappy nature to others.

And yet, I decided to put it out there, on the Internet, for all to read. Come, revel in my weakness and lack of sense.

cover letter for summer job (draft #2)

Dear Former Bosses at the Law Firm:

Hi, remember me? I was the super-sweet analyst that left to go to law school in Wisconsin at the end of the summer? I was the one having shots forced down her throat at Stoolies for her going away party and subsequently got sick watching the video for U2's "Vertigo".

Anyway, I need a job for the summer. And I figured that, since I already know how the firm works, I should come work for you. Big Dave always needs lackeys, and I make an awesome lackey. Plus, the softball team is going to need some serious help at first base, because someone has to catch the bad throws from the shortstop(s).

In making this consideration, please forget the fact that I used to do the following:

- show up at 9:45 every morning and bill the e-mails I read while getting ready for work as if I showed up at 8:30
- pasted co-workers heads onto Richard Simmons's body in MS Paint
- sit at Kathy's cube for an hour a day talking about nothing
- take hour and a half lunches and justify them because I was working at home while getting ready for work
- sit on the internet half of the day looking for pictures of hot guys to send around the office
- send out inflammatory e-mails about the suckage that is the Baltimore Orioles to O's fans
- wear flip flops on a daily basis
- bring in my laptop so that I could watch afternoon Cubs games on
- spin around in my chair because I had no work and bill it to the client

Also don't take into consideration the fact that I'm not very good at law school. Just remember that I was the awesomest boss ever and that I pretty much did my boss's work for her. Remember that time when I worked through my entire trip to my parents' house in Texas because my boss needed someone to do her work for her? Yeah. I'm awesome.

Mostly, I just want to spend the summer in Richmond drinking with my friends before they all disperse throughout the country.

So if you could hire me, that would be great.


p.s. Also, please disregard the fact that I used to get into fights with coworkers and slam a few doors every now and then. I promise that I'll play nice. Unless someone makes me mad.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

the most annoying sound in the world

I've decided that the sound of a cell phone vibrating against someone's leg in the middle of class may be that sound. That low, constant humming because someone refuses to turn their phone off during class because whatever the call is about is OH SO IMPORTANT that you have to know that the phone is ringing during class...

I don't see what's so freakin' important. If you're not going to return the call until after class, then how is leaving the phone on vibrate for all of us to know that you're getting a call any different than turning the phone off, then turning it back on after class to see if you received a call?

I think this may make the list of people I hate, but it's Thanksgiving, and I feel some moral obligation to try to hate fewer people. So, Cell Phone Vibration Guy, you're off the hook. For now.

current affairs are funducational

Sec'y of State Condoleezza Rice says that we will "probably not need to maintain [our] current troop levels in Iraq", but doesn't give a timetable for pull-out...this news coming only two weeks after the Republican party got lambasted in crucial elections aroun d the country because Bush's approval rating is in the toilet due to the war (among other things). Coincidence? I think not.

In other random news...Poison lead singer Bret Michaels got shot at. Because someone out there apparently doesn't want to talk dirty to him. Every Former Glam Metal Band Frontman has Shards of Glass

contracts wore gray, you wore blue

On the list of all the things that I'm thankful for this year, skipping contracts this morning may be in the top 5.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

deactivating the ammonium thioglyucolate

Is it sad that, whenever I begin to think that law school isn't the place for me and that I'm not smart enough to be here, I put in Legally Blonde, and that makes me feel better? And not just because it's a feel-good movie, but because I actually have this thought: "If Elle Woods can do it, then so can I."

Cut to: me making this exact comment last Saturday night at Paul's on State Street...and one of my friends reminding me that Elle Woods is a "fictional character" and therefore I shouldn't use her success in law school as my motivation.

Whatever. Characters on TV and movies are totally real. Otherwise, the fact that Carrie Bradshaw is my idol would just be weird.

cover letter for summer job (draft #1)

Dear Governor-Elect,

Hi. You may not remember me, but I was one of your interns at the Lieutenant Governor's office during the spring of 2003. I made you take a Cosmo quiz and I picked the lock on your desk in order to retrieve your Excedrin Migraine.

Yep. That intern.

Anyway, I'm in law school now, and I was just wondering if I could have a job working for you in the Governor's office this summer. Yes, I realize that it won't be paid, but I really just need some experience doing something that sort of qualifies as real work. I promise that, this time around, I won't spend my time playing air guitar to that San Francisco Bay Area classic rock station.

I also realize that there are a ton of others from better law schools (i.e., UVa, W&L, and W&M) who are looking for jobs. And that they're smarter than I am - heck, the only thing that I can seem to get right is my legal writing class, and that's because it really doesn't involve any substantive knowledge of anything but grammar. But honestly, who else is going to spy for you and let you know that state Senators are talking smack about you behind your back?

So if you could take pity on my poor soul and hire me for the summer...that would be great.


i'm a good person (or, people i hate, volume 3)

Dear Guy Who Sits Next to Me in Contracts:

Shut up. No, seriously. Shut. Up.

Not all of us gets it. Not all of us is a being of higher intelligence simply because we sit there and read Asian Times online and several dozen political blogs and The New York Times during class. Not all of us went to M.I.T. and is therefore one of the world's greatest students.

So please take your snickering at everything the professor says that you disagree with, your snide remarks every time someone in the class says something that's not correct, and the rest of your general comments from the peanut gallery that only I can hear, and leave me alone already. I've told you several times that I don't understand this class and that I need to listen to the lectures. Why, then, if you're so well-educated and under the impression that you're better than everyone else in the class, ARE YOU COMPLETELY INCAPABLE OF RESPECTING YOUR PEERS AND COMPLETELY LACKING IN COMMON SENSE?!?!?!


p.s. and yes, I only wanted to know what elective you're taking next semester so that I can be sure I don't end up in the same classes as you.

Monday, November 21, 2005

...and starting at quarterback, tinky winky!

According to, the Reverend Jerry Falwell has fired the football coach and two athletic department administrators at his Liberty University in Lynchburg, Virginia. Falwell reportedly wants to take Liberty's program from Division I-AA to Division I-A, and intends to see the program reach the Top 20 before he dies.

Let's see...where to begin...

I'm convinced that Falwell is kept alive by hunting down local sinners and living off of their fun-loving souls, and that he will probably live forever. This means that the entire population of Lynchburg College (where the non-Falwellites go to school) will be wiped out within the next 20 years. This also means that Falwell will live so long that he'll see armageddon before he sees his school reach the Top 20.

Meanwhile, I'm sure the good Reverend will have an easy time stealing recruits from UVa and VaTech (even Division I-AA Richmond, William & Mary, and James Madison) with promises of having to wear full business suits to class every day and just generally not being allowed to engage in the debauchery that you see at other D I-A schools. On the plus side, the starting quarterback won't rape chicks (cough)Marcus Vick(cough) and get suspended for a year. On the minus side, no football player worth his weight in Natty Light will play there.

Besides, God won't let Liberty succeed - he's betting on Liberty's opponents to cover the spread.

i love the smell of contracts in the morning

Contracts hypothetical - Was the binding magical contract imposed by the Goblet of Fire actually not enforceable? Harry Potter didn't put his name in the Goblet of Fire, so does that mean that he didn't actually give his consent (informed or otherwise) to take part in the Triwizard tournament?

nobody expects the spanish inquisition

According to my Torts professor, you can sue the Spanish crown in any negligence action in America. Apparently, since the Spanish crown funded Columbus's voyage to America, and Columbus discovered America, no negligence action would have ever occurred in America if Spain hadn't paid for Columbus to come here in the first place - i.e., the king and queen of Spain were a substantial factor in bringing about any negligent actions ever occurring in America.

(Notwithstanding the Vikings, the French in Florida, the British in Virginia and Massachusetts, the Russians in Alaska and the Pacific Northwest, the indigenous peoples, and the Dutch in New York.)

Whoever decided that it would be a good idea to have a Torts class at 7:45 in the morning was seriously deranged. Too many hypotheticals first thing in the morning. That, and I think my professor feeds on the souls of the innocent.

Screw it. At least the barista at Starbucks made my coffee correctly this morning, so that makes this insanity tolerable.

Sunday, November 20, 2005

at least he's not tim mccarver

I don't care if he's a little bit crazy, but Jimmy Johnson of Fox Sports just referred to Tom Brady as the best quarterback in the NFL.

Maybe it's the fact that Brady was a 6th-round draft pick who only started a dozen games in his life before making it to the NFL...or maybe it's the fact that he can run the two-minute drill better than any quarterback in the league...or maybe it's the fact that he led his team to three Super Bowl wins by the age of 27...

Or maybe, just maybe, it's the fact that Tom Brady hasn't choked wicked bad in every big game he's ever been in (cough)Peyton Manning(cough).

So mark this moment as the first time I've ever agreed with Jimmy Johnson about anything. I hate him less now, but this doesn't make up for the mid-90s Dallas Cowboys mania...I'm still trying to erase that crap from my memory.

Saturday, November 19, 2005

i'm an invertebrate and i'm okay...i work all night and i sleep all day

So I'm trying to finish the final draft of my Lemon Law memo for Tuesday, and I just realized that my citation grader circled a bunch of stuff on my citation first draft. Now, normally, I'm happy to receive constructive criticism...

But not when someone tells me to correct something that I've already done correctly.

I really hate Wisconsin's public domain citation crap. But our citations teacher told us that we could use either "[year] WI/WI Ct. App [case #][pinpoint paragraph]" OR "[volume #] N.W.2d [page #][pinpoint paragraph]". And it's in the handbook that the law school provides.

So I use the Northwest Reporter public domain form, and the citation grader tells me that it's wrong - that I shouldn't be using paragraphs with the Northwest Reporter, only public domain. But THERE IS A PUBLIC DOMAIN FORM THAT INCLUDES NORTHWEST REPORTER!!!!!

I almost wish I knew which one of the 250 or so 2L and 3L males was my citation grader so that I could ask him exactly what I did wrong. Whatever. I changed it anyway...because even though he still gave me a perfect grade, I don't want to be marked down for not changing something that he told me to change.

Write this day down as the first day that I didn't refuse to change something out of principle because it was already correct to begin with.

(Not only has law school cost me my soul, but I've apparently also lost my spine.)

more people i hate

- The people who feel the need to have really personal conversations in public. (i.e., the people in the movie theater next to me this afternoon talking about how one of their husbands is on dialysis and is diabetic and can't eat anything, and they want to do something wild before he dies in a few months.)

- The people who talk during movies to say things other than "[insert actor's name here] is really hot". (same people as above...talking about how Mr. Bennet in Pride and Prejudice would not have hugged Mary for her crappy piano playing in public. That's the whole problem for Jane and Elizabeth in this movie - the rest of the family has no sense of propriety! Christ.)

contracts awaits you all with nasty, big, pointy teeth

I was sitting there in the theater last night enjoying Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, when I heard the following line:

"The goblet of fire is a binding magical contract."

Why? For the love of Scott Baio and all that is holy, WHY does the Harry Potter movie have to mention contracts? On the ONE day I don't have class, the movie I go see has to remind me of contracts class, and how much it makes me want to stick sharp things in my eyes.*

Speaking of wanting to stick sharp things in my eyes, I'm watching Surviving Christmas on HBO2 right now. (That's how badly I don't want to do my reading for Monday - I'm watching one of the aforementioned bad Ben Affleck Christmas movies.) To save you all the pain and suffering from sitting through this movie, I'll just tell you that the entire movie is about contracts and breach of contracts.**

Only 12 more days, and I never have to take a contracts class again...then I can begin to reassemble the pieces of what was once my soul.

* - the contracts mention, however, was soon outweighed by the shots of Harry Potter without his shirt. I know he's 16 and all, but he's ripped...and it's just not right. But according to Wis. Stat. ยง948.02, 16 is legal. So I guess I'm not completely sick?

** - I do wish that I could sue the studio that made this movie for breaching their implied contract*** with America to make movies that are actually watchable (i.e., not starring Ben Affleck).


Friday, November 18, 2005

what legal assistants really do at work all day

My friend Dan in Richmond (not to be confused with my friends Dan and Other Dan here at UW) decided that, instead of working on a Friday, he should take a picture of himself at his cubicle and make it look like A-Ha's "Take on Me" video. I'm kind of proud of him for this one...since he and I used to spend a lot of time on Paint and PhotoShop pasting co-workers' heads onto Richard Simmons's (or some other wacko's) body. I was the best boss ever...and then I came to law school to learn how to get paid 3-5 times more for being the best boss ever.

they also make excellent waffles

A Belgian songwriter won a plagiarism case against Madonna, leading a court to ban the sale or broadcast of the song "Frozen" in the country.

Now if only someone could prove that Britney Spears's entire catalog was ripped off from little-known American songwriters, the world would be a better place......

Thursday, November 17, 2005

don't be that guy

there are a couple types of people in this world that i really, truly hate:
- the people who refuse to stop talking on their cell phones while in line at the grocery store
- the people who refuse to tell their screaming children to shut up
- the people who spend entire concerts with their cell phones raised high in the air
- the people who wear the shirt of the band they're going to go see in concert
- the people who tell you that they're going to call you and never do (i.e., men)

i went to the bon jovi concert here in mad city last night, and became one of those people.

yes, ladies and gents, i am a cell phone holder-upper.

i don't know if it's because i'm such a nice person that i wanted my sister to hear the entire concert since this is the first one she hasn't been able to attend with me...or if it's because law school has killed every last bit of my soul and left me an empty shell of a human being that really doesn't care about looking ridiculous. but there i was, standing for two hours with my cell phone raised high in the air as i rocked out to every bon jovi classic, from "runaway" to "it's my life", from "bad medicine" to "always"...

and the entire time, i couldn't help but think about how badly i would want to smack myself if i were up in the audience and i saw myself standing there with my cell phone in the air. (if you need me to diagram that thought, let me know.) seriously, the court should sanction me for such violations of the laws of propriety. or maybe 12(b)(6) me for failing to be awesome.

i wonder if there's a way i can roto-rooter the law school to get my soul back.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

i knew there had to be a reason why i always preferred siskel

Apparently, The Insider (because that's a reliable news source) has revealed that Oprah Winfrey went on a date with Roger Ebert in the mid-1980s.

How's that for a sentence you never thought you'd ever hear in your lifetime?

But before you start heaving up everything you've eaten for the last month, rest assured that the relationship was only one date long.

HOWEVER, Ebert is the one who convinced Oprah to take her talk show to syndication...I guess because he thought she wouldn't last on ABC stacked up against such giants as "The Price is Right". (You know Bob Barker has his own Plinko Mafia that would've come after her.)

So if you're ever wondering who to blame for all of those "Oprah Gives Away More Crap You Could Never Afford To Buy" and "Oprah Gained/Lost Another 20 Pounds For The Fifth Time This Month" specials...blame Roger Ebert.

mascots are still evil

but this makes me hate penn state a little less

the truffle shuffle

Do we really need Tyra Banks and some crappy "Entertainment Tonight" correspondent to dress up in a fat suit to tell us that society mocks fat people?

Now, I love Miss Tyra as much as the next Top Model addict...But I don't need her in a fat suit telling me that the last acceptable form of discrimination in this country is making fun of fat people. What's worse is that she sits there and tells us that the looks, etc. really made her cry. Lucky for her, she gets to take the fat suit off at the end of the day and go back to being ogled. Most of America isn't that lucky.

What they need to do is either (a) stick a hidden camera on an actual obese woman for a week, or (b) follow around any middle- or high-school kid who is more than fifteen pounds overweight. I'm voting for the second one, mostly because I think that's the problem. Kids are nasty, mean, cruel little buggers...and if we don't teach them otherwise, then they end up working at Saks and looking down their nose at you while you're looking at $300 cashmere sweaters that would be small on an eight-year-old. Or working in food service and glaring at you because yes, you really do want fries with that instead of a side salad. And extra cheese on that burger - because that would be tasty.

I don't know what the solution is...I don't even know that there is a solution. It's not like we can expand the Civil Rights Act of 1964 to include fat people - although there is no language in the Act that prevents us from applying it to the obese. But honestly, if an obese person tried to bring a Civil Rights Act suit in court because the stick insect working at Anthropologie didn't want to waste her time (and potential commission from helping someone else) because she knew you weren't going to buy anything, I think they'd get laughed out of court. Just like that same obese person has been getting laughed at every day since they were in elementary school.

But what really grinds my gears is the chick on "ET" saying that, if she "allowed her personality to shine through" and showed that she really loved herself, then people treated her well. I'm sorry - but that's bullshit. Just because people are nice to your face, that doesn't mean that they're not laughing at you behind your back. And I don't need "Entertainment Tonight" telling me that everything is going to be okay if I just love myself. That's what Dr. Phil is for. "Entertainment Tonight" has one purpose, and one purpose only - to tell me whether or not Tom Cruise has come out of the closet yet.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

you don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows

Can someone please tell me again why I moved from Richmond to Madison...? Thanks.

a body like arnold with a denzel face

NYT columnist Maureen Dowd recently came out with a study on gender relations entitled Are Men Necessary? I'm here to save everyone out there the $17.95 on and answer that question for you right here, right now.

Yes. Men are necessary. And here's why:

(1) It's kind of nice to have someone out there to get rid of bugs and mice for us.* The smell of Raid makes me want to puke, and I'm not getting anywhere near an insect. And mice...well, let's just say that the only four-legged friends I want in my house have floppy ears and a wet nose.

(2) Without men, we wouldn't have football to watch on Saturday and Sunday. 'Cause I'm not watching chicks beat the crap out of each other - their necks aren't thick enough for it to be enjoyable.

(3) We need someone to blame for the problems in life that we can't blame on our mothers.

(4) All of the good designers are men - Manolo Blahnik, Jimmy Choo, Christian Louboutin, Stuart Weitzman, Giorgio Armani, Ralph Lauren, Karl Lagerfeld, Craig T. Nelson**...

(5) If we didn't have any glass ceilings to continue to break, would we continue to progress as thinkers and innovators? Since so many women have to overachieve and think so far outside of the box that they're in the next time zone, would society really be better off if the outstanding becomes the norm? And along those lines, wouldn't the competitive women who are doing the thinking and innovating become the new men - that is to say, would we just end up with a society that idolizes yet resents the Alpha Female?

If my thinking is right on this one (and I'd like to think that it is), I think society without men wouldn't be that much different than it is now...why make something that's already dysfunctional even more dysfunctional? And besides - the men who design my cute shoes are very necessary.

(Just don't let 'em know that we're actually keeping them around because we like them. It'll just end up going to their heads, and no one wants that.)

* - I have a friend who neglected to inform his female roommate of their mice problem for about two weeks because "she's scared of mice". He went out and bought mice traps and she found them, but didn't put two and two together. And then she finds the mice and, upon complaining to my friend, learns that he had been keeping the fact that he'd seen mice secret for a while.*** Then imagine her surprise as she recounts the story to me, and I tell her that I knew about her rodent infestation a week and a half before she did.

** - Co-counsel has just informed me that Coach shoes/handbags are not designed by Craig T. Nelson, star of TV's "Coach". In that case, he can go - because "Coach" sucked wicked bad.

*** - Contracts hypothetical: is my friend guilty of misrepresenting the rodent infestation to his roommate, or was he acting in good faith upon their implied contract to perform housekeeping duties?

things i wish they told me before i came to law school

Contracts professor: Just because it's in the casebook doesn't mean that it's important.

Well, then, WHY ARE YOU WASTING MY TIME BY MAKING ME READ THIS!!! If I had known it was that unimportant, I wouldn't have missed an episode of "Gilmore Girls" to do my reading.

Ugh. I'm going to go burn my book now.

Monday, November 14, 2005

it ain't a crime to have a 12-inch dong da-dong dong*

But apparently, it is a crime to pretend to be Kazakhstani.

Sacha Baron Cohen, a.k.a. Ali G of HBO's Da Ali G Show (and, incidentally, regarded one of the smartest men in Britain), may be facing a lawsuit from the Kazakhstani government because one of his many characters,
Borat, goes around posing as a foreign correspondent, relaying information about backwards "customs" of the former Soviet republic that could be likened to me saying that all West Virginian men marry their sisters.

Which they don't - they marry their cousins.

In other news, I'd like to start the official "
Adrian Grenier IS Aquaman" campaign. Personally, I'm interested to see who they have in mind for this role - my guess is Orlando Bloom. Because he can totally play a superhero. I guess I should be thanking God that this isn't seven years ago, because then we'd have to watch Leonardo DiCaprio in the water. Again. (I still maintain the best part of that movie was when Jack ate it.)

* - quoted from Ali G's 2002 single with rapper Shaggy, "Me Julie"

william faulkner would be proud

Excerpt from a Monica Lewinsky letter to Bill Clinton (see pg. 2 for this quote):

"Whitman is so rich that one must read him like one tastes a fine wine or good cigar - take it in, roll it in your mouth, and savor it!"

Like you, I can't help but wonder if this letter was written after the now-infamous cigar incident between Bill and Monica. Because if it was...I think you know where I'm going here.

This may be the greatest illustration of a double-entendre since Slim's (Lauren Bacall) line in To Have and Have Not - "You know how to whistle, don't you, Steve? You just put your lips together and... blow."

I hope they use this letter to teach double-entendres in high school English classes. Kind of like how my 11th-grade English teacher used the movie The Natural to teach us about the femme fatale in literature. (Yeah, you read that right.) This is what you get when you go to a public school in the South. Edjumakashun at it's finest.

cost-benefit analysis

Missing class by taking the bus:

Probability of loss occurring: none (car), about 15 minutes of class time (bus)
Loss involved: loss to car, loss to in-class time
Burden: have a duty to protect my car, have a duty to go to class since I'm paying this exorbitant out-of-state tuition.

Not missing class by driving:

Probability of loss occuring: high (car), no loss to class time.
Loss involved: my drivers-side tail light
Burden: not to drive like a 'tard, need to notice that the van behind me is blocking a giant cement pillar before I back into it.

If I balance the P, L, and B here as ol' Judge Hand would have done, I see that the greater loss existed in the whole "driving" activity, and that I shouldn't have done it.

If this doesn't make a case for staying in bed on a Monday morning, I don't know what does.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

christmas comes earlier every year

I'd like to think that the intended meaning of this phrase is that, as we get older, time seems to go by faster and faster.

However, I'm beginning to think that the marketing geniuses that buy and sell the soul of America have taken this just a little bit too far. First it was Christmas music and displays being brought out in stores on Black Friday, which is okay. Then it was towns across the country putting up Christmas decorations the week before Thanksgiving.

Imagine my surprise, though, when my sister called me about two hours ago to tell me that "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" was on TBS. On November 13th. Christ, people...we already have cell phones glued to our ears, wireless internet installed in nearly every retail location where there's food and a seat across the country, and that annoying Fox News ticker that tells us whether the President passed a bowel movement. By next year, I'm sure we'll be hearing Christmas music on some radio station sometime between Halloween and Guy Fawkes Day. Pretty soon, Christmas in July won't just be some sort of bizarre expression - it will mean the actual commencement of the Christmas season, complete with candy displays, special CDs from third-rate singers, and irritatingly bad Ben Affleck movies.

And back to the subject of Guy Fawkes Day for a second. I read something in a London paper that says that the British government is looking to get rid of the celebration which dates back to 1605, when Guy Fawkes was one of 13 conspirators trying to blow up the Houses of Parliament in protest of the increasing severity of laws against English Catholics. Basically, there are bonfires and treats and burning little Guy Fawkes effigies - good stuff. The government is seeking to get rid of the holiday because of the recent rise in Britons celebrating the American holiday of Halloween, which they believe has led to a decline in celebrating Guy Fawkes Day on November 5. Now, I'm not anti-American or anything. But when our holidays are being blamed in part for holidays in other countries going the way of the dodo, that's a problem.

That being said, I'm going to keep watching some good old-fashioned American television and read about the wonders of the American judicial system.